When do you know who to trust?
by apparentlykatie
Summary: Barely funny unless you let go of your inhibitions. Enjoy kids. Oh, and it's a oneshot, not that that should make you want to read it anymore.


A/N: What is this? A story? Doubt it. Maybe I was drunk. I probably wasn't though. High? Out of the question. Just bored.

I dont own anything except the right to be insane.

---

Oliver tiptoed into the house, with a black mask over his face. He was wearing clown shoes, which made his feet look enormously big. He didn't mind thought; it distracted people from his other abnormal features. He was so stealth, no one would suspect a thing. Clip clop went his shoes, making a pitter-patter sound every step he took.

It was silent in the Atwood/Cooper house; everyone was asleep in his or her BEDS. The mental institution didn't HAVE bed. HE had to sleep on the floor, with the rats. But, he tried to forget about that. He pushed the ladder up onto wall, testing it to make sure it wouldn't fall. Perfect. He slowly went up it, pushing the attic door open. Once he was inside, he pulled the ladder up with him, closing the hatch slowly. All he had to do was wait…

"But MOMMY!" Lori whined, picking at her mashed potatoes. "I want a motorcycle so BADLY!" She begged, banging her fork against the table.

"Now, why would you need one of those?" Ryan asked, "I don't want you giving the neighbor boys the wrong idea…" He said strictly. "What's next? A tattoo? A piercing?" He questioned, getting a motherly worried look on his face.

"Kids these days…" Marissa commented, shaking her head in disappointment. "Pass the salt Ryan?" She asked, nudging her head toward the salt. Ryan ignored her comment, because he was too wound up in his discussion with Lori.

"But DADDY!" She whined, pouting her bottom lip out. "I need a means of transportation to drive my lady friends to the CLUB!" She exclaimed, accidentally throwing some potatoes at the wall. "Woops."

"Kids and their language." Marissa said, reaching over to get the salt for herself. Ryan's face went completely pale, like he had seen a ghost, or Caleb naked…or Dawn…hell, even Seth.

"Are you telling me you are of the homosexual population, little lady?" Ryan said, his eyes still wide. Lori shrugged her shoulders, rolling her eyes. "My goodness…" Ryan said, in a very feminine way.

"I'm not sure yet…" Lori commented. "I'm still four years old, I have a lot of time to SEXPERIMENT!" She exclaimed, her voice filled with pure excitement. Ryan's mouth dropped open, his eyes opening extremely wide.

"I was a lesbian once…" Marissa chimed in, a content smile on her face. "Ryan, you remember that? I got so drunk, I thought you were a woman, and I tried to feel your boobs…"

"I AM a woman, and you DID touch my boobs." He exclaimed, pointing his fork at Marissa. He sighed loudly, and hung his head low. "And I guess this "Lesbianism" runs in the family." He said sadly. "And I thought Lori and I had something special…" He said, feeling his eyes watering up.

Suddenly, crumbs of cement started falling from the ceiling. A head popped out, hanging upside down from the ceiling. He had a yellow hard hat on, taped to his head. He coughed loudly, his mouth filled with dirt and dust. "HELLO!" His voice exclaimed. "Sorry to just DROP IN!!" He said loudly, his voice roaring with laughter. "Aren't I HILAROUS?"

"Oliver?" Marissa questioned, rising from her spot at the dinner table. "Oh my god, RYAN! GO GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!" She yelled, pointing into the kitchen. "QUICKLY!!" She screamed, jumping up and down nervously.

Lori looked up at Oliver's head, which was still sticking out of the ceiling. "Who is that?" She asked, as Ryan rushed into the kitchen to get the fire extinguisher. "I like his hat…" She added, looking back at Marissa.

Ryan reentered the living room, waving his hands around nervously. "HUNNY!" He screamed, his voice going high-pitched. "I can't find it!!" He whined, letting out a sigh. He looked back up at Oliver, who was prying his fingers through the hole in the cement. "HE IS GETTING CLOSER!!" He exclaimed.

"God Damnit Ryan, what is the matter with you?" Marissa asked. "We have a bigger problem right now." She said, her face looking pale. "Elton John is stealing our car!!" She said, pointing out the window.

"Oh!" Ryan said, with a smile on his face. "I love Elton John." He said, with a laugh. "She BANGS! She BANGS! Oh BABY!" Ryan sang, swinging his hips in the air violently to his horrible singing.

"THAT'S RICKY MARTIN YOU MORON!" Marissa screamed at him. Ryan stopped suddenly, hanging his head in shame. "God, why am I with you?"

Unexpectedly, Oliver fell from the ceiling, and landed perfectly on his feet. He dusted off the dirt off his scuba outfit, and smiled creepily. "I would have brought the snorkel, but it wouldn't fit in my bag." He said, with a small sigh. "Anyway, how is everyone? Everyone good?" He asked, looking from Lori, to Marissa, to Ryan, To Elton John who was knocking on the window.

"Let me IN!" Elton John begged. "I'm cold, and your car is impossibly hard to break into!" He added, still pounding on the windows. But no one listened. No one at all.

"Guess what I brought?" Oliver asked, a wide grin on his face. "Anyone? C'mon, GUESS!" He demanded, his temper flaring. "Fine." He said.

"Marissa…" Ryan said softly, his voice quivering. "Can we call Martha Stewart?" He asked. "I hate your coloring scheme in this room, the curtains are HORRIBLE!" He whined.

"Fine." She said, rolling her eyes. "You know, I spoil you." She said winking. "Tonight, you are getting a special treat…" She said, winking again. Ryan pouted, a terrified look on his face.

"Please, no, ANYTHING but that!" He cried, holding his head in his hands.

"I'll take it then." Oliver said, smiling. He pulled out two small glasses from his fanny pack, which was fastened tightly around his waist. "Mohitos anyone?" He offered, pulling a small container of alcohol out of his fanny pack. "Fanny packs are so neat."

Lori raised her hand. "I'll take one, no lime." She said, setting the video recorder on the table. This beat the Paris Hilton sex tape any day. Oliver nodded, as he began whipping up the four year old a drink…

"Lori, just one." Ryan said, holding up one finger for her daughter to see. "SEE Marissa?" Ryan asked, turning to look at her. "I'm a COOL MOM!" He yelled.

"Ryan, shut up." Marissa said, rolling her eyes. "Oliver, may I ask why you were in our attic?" She asked, pointing to the hole in the ceiling.

"I was looking for the Lucky Charms." He admitted, blushing. "But I didn't find them!" He exclaimed loudly. "And if I did, I would share them with all of you." He said smiling.

Lori downed her drink, wiping the liquid from around her lips. "Another?" She asked, with an innocent smile on her lips. Ryan nodded hesitantly, biting his fingernails. "Another Ollie." She said, motioning toward Oliver. "Can I call you Ollie?"

"I WANT IN!" Elton screamed, pounding on the windows. "I LOVE MOHITOS!" He yelled, his face full of anger. "PLLLLEEEASE!"

Ryan jumped at the angry man in the window. He ran behind Marissa, ducking behind her. "Save me…" He whispered. "Please, I'm so scared." He added, fighting the tears. Marissa scoffed, and walked away from Ryan, leaving him out in the open. "NOOOO!" He screamed. "I'M EXPOSED!" He added.

He ran back to Marissa, jumping onto her back. "Giddy-up!" He said happily, his mood changing completely. "I'm going to Chucky Cheese!" He exclaimed, his voice full of raw excitement.

"C'mon Ryan, work with me here." Lori said, holding the lens of the camera to her eyes. "C'mon, your happy! You're a seven-year-old boy who got a new bike on Christmas morning. SMILE!" She said, filming the excitement as it happened.

Oliver tapped his foot against the floor, getting extremely BORED with the whole ordeal. So, he decided to make thing more interesting. He pulled out a machine gun from his fanny pack, checking to make sure that there were bullets. "Perfect." He said quietly.

Ryan hopped off Marissa's back, and stared at Oliver. So did Marissa. So did Lori. And Elton. "W-w-what are you going to do with that?" Ryan asked nervously.

Oliver laughed insanely. "What the hell do you THINK I am going to do with it?" He asked Ryan, whose eyes were filled with tears. "TAP DANCE!" He said, tapping his feet faster against the floor, in a pattern witch was pleasing to the ears. "And a one, two, three and FOUR!" He said, swinging his arms around in the air.

Ryan grinned. He loved to dance. Of course, he could never tell anyone that, because he had a reputation to uphold. But he loved to dance, more than he loved camouflaged trousers. Jazz, tap, hip-hop, theater, but especially ballet. Oh, how he loved ballet.

Lori dropped the camera on the table. "I QUIT!" She screamed, squinting her eyes. "Ollie, you are the worst dancer I have seen in my 27 years of experience." She yelled at him. "RYAN! You are the weirdest person I have ever met, and I hope you get a pine cone shoved up you're ass." She said, and Ryan began to cry softly. "Elton John, I don't know WHY you're here, or WHY you want our car so badly. It is a 2500$ piece of shit, and I peed in the back seat." She said, but he continued to pound loudly on the window. Ryan blew his nose in his hankie, his eyes still filled with tears. "Marissa," Lori started. "I hate you a lot, because you never breast fed me." And with that, Lori ran upstairs. "MOSTLY BECAUSE MOMMY IS FLAT!" She screamed down the stairs.

"No I'm not…" Ryan said, looking down at his chest. "Oh, she meant you." Ryan said, pointing to Marissa. Marissa grumbled.

"Its not MY fault I'm not fully developed!" She whined, folding her arms across her chest. Oliver smiled, and stopped dancing.

"Okay, now, I will tell you why I am here." He finally said, setting the gun back down on the table. Everyone was surprisingly calm when there was a gun in the room. "I am here to…KILL RYAN."

"Dun, dun, Duuuun!" Ryan said with a smile. "OH WAIT THAT'S ME!" He screamed loudly. "Oh, I'm too pretty to die!" He whined, with a girly smile.

Oliver picked up a paperclip from his fanny pack, and held it in the air. "Ryan, you have met your match!" He exclaimed. Oliver walked slowly toward Ryan, who was counting the hairs on his wrists. "Prepare to face a certain DOOM!" He exclaimed.

Ryan shrieked, as Oliver plunged the paper clip into Ryan's arm. Ryan looked into Oliver's eyes with shock and pain. "You bastard…" Ryan said, clutching his wound.

"RYAN!" Marissa screamed, rushing to his side. "Nooooo!" She yelled, kissing him on the cheek. "YOUR CHEEKS SMELL LIKE…ONIONS!" She exclaimed, wiping his cheeks quickly. "WERE YOU USING MY PERFUME?!" She asked, loudly and confused.

"No…" Ryan said, obviously lying. He blushed madly, and saw the blood slowly trickling from his arm. "I'LL NEVER MAKE IT!" He yelled. Marissa took a deep breath; she knew what she had to do. She leaned down, and began to lick his wound. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" He yelled, his face full of confusion.

"I'm saving your life, what does it look like I'm doing?!" She yelled back, sucking his arm dry of blood. But it was too late. Ryan Atwood bled to death. FROM A PAPER CLIP WOUND. Oliver laughed hysterically, and pulled out his didgeridoo. He played it softly, playing music that made Marissa weep. "NO RYAN! COME BACK RYAN! COME BACK!"

"I didn't go anywhere, you idiot." He said quickly, before closing his eyes and dying again.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She yelled dramatically. Elton John sensed the perfect opportunity. He grabbed a stale banana, and stabbed it through the window. He quickly morphed into a caterpillar, and slid through the hole. Turning back into himself, he knelt down beside Ryan's lifeless body.

"He's gone." He said sadly. Marissa looked at him, with a face that told him that he was a moron.

"NO DUH!" She yelled, smacking Elton upside the head. "Ryan, I LOVE YOU!" She said, clutching onto his body.

Elton looked up at Oliver, who was filing his nails. Marissa was so in tune with Ryan being dead, so he reached into Ryan's pocket, and pulled out his wallet. He quickly took all the money out, and ran out of the house, and was never seen again.

(You probably think it's the end…but it isn't.)

Seth came rushing in the room, holding a bucket and a mop, and a big black boom box resting on his shoulder. "I heard that Ryan died." He said, sounding completely out of breath. "Oh god, I am so out of shape." He said, panting.

"How do you know so soon?" Oliver asked, with a confused face.

Seth smirked. "A little birdie told me." He answered, kneeling down beside Ryan. He had loud rap music booming out of the speakers. "Yo Ry, like the gangster music?" He asked, bobbing his head along to the music.

"Bang, boom, bang bang boom." Oliver said, tapping his foot to the music. "Boom, bade be bee saw la la la aaaa." He sang along.

Seth looked up at Oliver, with death in his eyes. "Go home Oliver." He said softly, shaking his head. "You don't belong here." He said, spitting on his stupid clown shoes. "You suck Oliver."

Marissa kissed Ryan on his forehead for the last time. "I love you Ryan. This was the most un-boring day of my life. I will never forget it." She said softly. "I mean… WHO IS RYAN?!" DUN DUN DUUUUUN!

The End.


End file.
